Trust Issues

Learning to trust is one of life’s most difficult tasks. -Isaac Watts

I would say that, to some degree, everybody has issues with trust; With opening themselves to another human being completely. This is because inside, we are all afraid of being hurt, and having that trust we gave out betrayed. I regret to say that I don’t really have a positive spin to what I’m going to write today. This is more for me to rant and get some of this hurt I’m feeling out there. If what I write today helps someone, I’m glad. With all that said, let me dive right into things.

I don’t trust easily. I don’t open myself up to others, because I am afraid of being hurt. But that’s not to say that I’ve never opened myself up to anyone, because I have. I haven’t done it with many people, only two I can think of. Of these two people, one of them is someone who I can say, with as close to being 100% certain as is humanly possible, wouldn’t betray me. But then again, I guess I would have said the same thing about the other person and that didn’t really work out in my favor. I guess there is a reason trust is normally built up over a long period of time, because this other person and I hit things off really quickly, becoming fast friends. This may be because of the close proximity which our majors put us, but whatever it was, we became good friends. There may have been more to it – more to our feelings than just friendship, but that was never outwardly expressed. Just something that may have been under the surface. But I cared about this person, because I care about my friends. Regardless of whether or not I have feelings beyond friendship for them. I care about all of my friends. If I call you a friend that means something to me – I invest a lot of myself into friendships, because that’s just who I am. I will always be there for my friends, no matter what. When they won’t do the same for me – god that hurts. It hurts so fucking much. That’s just a normal friendship, not one where I have opened myself up to someone. Because I guess part of me had an expectation that if I opened myself up to someone, they wouldn’t hurt me. But I guess I was wrong.

 “When you care about someone, you can’t just turn that off because you learn they betrayed you.” ― Paula Stokes

I guess she just never cared about me. I feel I should pause for a moment and mention the fact that this person has a significant other. This is why those feelings I mentioned earlier were never expressed. But back to things: I just have a hard time understanding, I guess, how you can let someone open up to you if you don’t care about them, and if you don’t have any intention of sticking around. I think that’s wrong and irresponsible. Trust is a fucking valuable thing. It represents a person’s vulnerability, it represents how much they respect and value you, and it represents their belief in you. Their belief that you would never hurt them. Trust isn’t restricted to romantic relationships, either. That’s not why I’m upset. What upsets me is how they’re behaving towards me now. You see, I noticed how she began to act weird around me come finals time last semester, but I thought it was just the stress of exams. When it continued into the next semester, I went to talk to her. She said she needed space, she said she didn’t really get what was happening last semester, but that she just needed space. Which is fine, I can respect that. And I have. I have given them their space. But there is a difference between wanting space and avoiding someone completely which is what has been happening. They have been avoiding me completely. And god that fucking hurts – they won’t even talk to me anymore. I don’t understand how someone can do that. Because this trust wasn’t one sided, either, they trusted me too. I would never do anything to betray someone’s trust.  So how can they just walk away? I don’t get it.

 Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks. -Waqar Ahmed

My example may seem childish to some of you, and I would argue that it isn’t. Because the value of trust doesn’t change, neither with age, nor experience. It changes on an individual basis, and to me, I don’t have anything more valuable to give someone than my trust and my friendship. All I want is my friend back, but that’s not going to happen. I have to come to terms with that. It fucking sucks, but I can’t do anything to change it.

One last quote to end things

A true friend is someone who is there for you when they’d rather be anywhere else. – Len Wein

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13 thoughts on “Trust Issues

  1. It probably has more to do with her relationship than your friendship… insecurities make friendship outside of the relationship a touchy subject where the partner may be jealous. Or perhaps she crossed a threshold of intimacy she regrets crossing?

    Either way, one way I learned to come to terms with friends floating off was to think of them as people whose impact was meant to be deep but short. Sometimes it is just that way. Like the person who dies young after leaving their mark on the world. Don’t allow how it ended to define what it was while it lasted.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could come to terms with letting her float off if it was that simple. We are friends with the same people in our major, and we are going to be in semi close proximity for the next 2 years. At this point I guess i’m past wanting the friendship back but I would like to converse with them just for the sake of everybody else.

      Liked by 1 person

      • In that case, perhaps clearing the air by stating that what happened is water beneath the bridge, but that you would like to be able to work together, all feelings aside… but you have to stick to it, and treat this as a professional relationship, at least for now.

        I’ve had some really good friends and some back – stabbers myself over the years. I’ve learned that not everyone values friendship to the extent I do. And sometimes I still trust the wrong people.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. For me its almost the same thing. When I make good friends I invest my emotions and my energy into them, and I most certainly understand what its like when someone does not value your friendship as much as you. In my case its not one person, its an entire group of people and Im kind of just hanging around for the sake of not wanting to be alone. I cant remember the last time I was ever asked to hang out with my “friends” or ever told about things like who got asked to prom or other things that seem trivial now but weren’t then.

    I guess as individuals, its time to get past people who couldnt care less and find a home in nothing but the bones in our bodies and the hearts in our chest. Because people will continue to hurt you because of how you feel, but it shouldnt stop you from investing your friendship in more worthy people. Im starting to find people that actually, genuinely care, and its made a world of a difference.

    There is hope for you 🙂 Dont feel down about this for too long. There will be something better for you waiting in the future, and you most certainly will look back on this wondering why it hurt so much before.

    Like

  3. Looks to me like you opened up a little bit to your readers! Very good writing. I understand everything you said. I am very much reclusive and introverted with people- especially those I don’t know. And I have had my own experiences. But this really did a lot for me. Thanks 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “I just have a hard time understanding, I guess, how you can let someone open up to you if you don’t care about them, and if you don’t have any intention of sticking around. I think that’s wrong and irresponsible.” Your words are echoing in my heart and bouncing off the walls. I could never have expressed it, but that idea of responsibility for someone’s trust is absolutely right on BECAUSE “I don’t have anything more valuable to give someone than my trust and my friendship.” All said very eloquently. I so get where you’re coming from. And you’re right, it doesn’t change with age or experience.

    “I value a friend who finds time for me on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” Robert Brault

    Liked by 1 person

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