Loving oneself is a hard thing for many people to come to terms with and I feel that many people never truly appreciate themselves and who they are.
Let me preface this all by saying that this is a topic I have struggled with for a very long time and, to be completely honest, it is something that I still struggle with to this day. But that does not render me incapable of knowing how important it is to appreciate what I have to offer.
Now to dive right in
For most of my life I have lived for other people. I have put other people ahead of myself because I’ve believed that I was incapable of finding happiness due to the circumstances that have surrounded me my entire life. This has led to me being something of a doormat for people who I have called my friends. Now granted they haven’t all used me intentionally, but there have been people who have used me because they’ve known they could and that I would do nothing to protest because the way I saw things was this – if I was incapable of finding happiness, then at the very least I could help to bring happiness to others. And that was my mantra, and to a degree, it still remains my mantra.
Everybody has their own reasons for being the way they are but let me try to explain why I am the way I am. I’ve felt that I am incapable of finding happiness because it’s just always seemed so unattainable. Since I was young, I’ve had to watch my mom go through pain on a level that few people can really understand and I still don’t. Watching her everyday of my life go through the pains of everyday activities is a hard burden for anyone to bear. But along with that, I’ve watched other members of my family destroy themselves with alcohol and lies – squandering relationships because that’s how they are. I’ve seen family members who’ve been affected by war and so I’ve been stripped of knowing who they were prior to those experiences. I am the way I am because I feel that since I can’t even begin to fix my family – can barely even speak to them about these issues – how will I ever be able to fix and truly love myself? And that is why I took to helping others find happiness because I found that I could and that I was, for the most part, pretty good at it.
The problem with this all is that by living my life for other people’s happiness, I only exacerbated my own issues and drove myself further behind the veil of sadness and hurt that I myself had put up. And it is so very tiring to be down about yourself all the time and yet never tell anyone about it because you feel that they won’t be able to help. I would have probably remained this way for a long time had I not met someone who clearly struggled with this issue as much, if not more, than I had. They made me truly think about this and they made me want to work on it.
Because while I said before that I felt that I was incapable of finding happiness I never once felt that I wasn’t deserving of happiness. Because I am, I am deserving of happiness. Everybody is, but in order for that to come about I have to come to terms with the fact that I do matter. I may not be perfect and I may not be able to fix everything but I do matter. And that is I what I hope to impart to those of you who take the time to read this. Take a look in the mirror and look at yourself. We are who we are and regardless of whether or not there are things in your lives that you need to change you still matter. And if you feel that no one else in the world cares about you there should always be at least one person who does and that person is you.